Friday, November 2, 2007

What's Next, Cat Juggling?!

Wondrous Gift From Above or Evil Implement of Kitty Terror?

The nights have gotten quite nippy of late here on the Ranch, so one or more of the four members of the outside-at-night contingent have started weaseling their way into sleeping inside the house.

Sometimes it's blatant. More often, it is a covert operation involving diversion and subterfuge.

They all usually prefer to roam the shadow realm when night falls, finding refuge in the hay bales in the barn when the temps take a dip. But if the weather takes a turn for the very wet or extra chilly, the finagling begins.

Two of the four are very well behaved and can be trusted indoors. The other two are menaces who, after having successfully achieved bedtime invisibility, will make their presence and strong desires known somewhere between 4:00 and 6:00 AM in a most raucous and boisterous display that, should I choose to turn a deaf ear and continue soaking my pillow with drool while pursuing that ever-illusive French truffle the size of an ottoman, will give way to retaliatory vandalism.

We have recently discovered however, that there is, in fact, such thing as Kitty Karma.

Not long ago, our dearly beloved and faithful, fairly low-tech coffee maker went kaput. It was simple featuring only a thermal carafe and timing capabilities, but made great coffee. Upon its demise, my folks generously gifted us a new, state-of-the-art, fancy schmancy model that had been languishing unopened in their garage. It not only brews your coffee and holds it at the temperature of your particular preference, it even grinds your fresh, whole beans and dumps the fragrant grounds right into the filter for you at the precise moment and grind consistency to achieve the most technologically perfect cup o' joe ever devised by a team of overpaid engineers.*

So, there I am, post-alarm, cozily drowsing in eager anticipation of the joyful sound of our new java droid awakening to begin its life of servitude when it happens...

The timer hits 6:55, the grinder whirs and clatters to life and, at that exact split second... the unmistakable sound of 16, startled and terror-filled paws frantically scratching their heated exit from the still-dark kitchen, then thundering down the hallway toward our bedrooms and presumed sanctuary.

In stead of comfort and consolation, they found me, standing there in my jammies, laughing at them in unexpected, payback bliss!

Apparently the sneaky ones had somehow *overslept* and got a taste of what it's like to be startled awake by a harsh and unexpected racket...

"HA!" I say. Double "HA!"

Though I did feel kinda bad for the good, polite, quiet kitties who let me sleep, I savored that first cup from the shee-shee machine with great relish and just a bit of sick satisfaction.

"The new coffee maker is so fast, why don't you set the timer for when you're already up and the lights are on so it doesn't come as such a shock to them when it starts up?" my kind-hearted husband asked.

"What? And deny myself all that sadistic pleasure? Are you nuts?"

Poor kitties. Poor, poor traumatized little kitties...


Now, where did I leave the vacuum...

* Don't get me wrong, it's really a nice machine, but it cracks me up how this thing is supposed to make "making coffee" so much more convenient. Now, instead of: grind coffee the night before; place in filter; pour water into reservoir; activate timer; upon finishing coffee toss used filter... I get to: place beans in grinder the night before, pour water into reservoir; activate timer; upon finishing coffee dismantle the entire machine, clean five separate pieces and dry thoroughly before reassembling... so I can have my coffee ground for me and drink it five minutes sooner! I have to laugh at myself that I love it so much.


Risa said...

ROFLMAO. I get the same sadistic amusement from scaring the bejeebies out of my cats from time to time. Glad it's not just me! Oreo will actually levitate 3 to 4 feet in the air when startled, and it's quite a site really! It's amazing that he can go vertical in the blink of an eye, and then land as lightly as a snowflake upon his return to ground. When I'm startled that badly, I just flinch, maybe let out some strangled gasp, and complete the maneuver with some dumb look plastered on my face. The cat? He makes it an art form.

I still giggle when I think about the greatest scare that I afforded another one of my fur babies, Khaliah. Several years ago, I bought my first fancy-schmancy sonic toothbrush. She was perched on the bathroom counter, watching raptly in the mirror as I prepared to fire it up for the first time. Then I hit the button. The unearthly buzzing sound filled her with a sudden and complete dread, and she fell backward off the counter, landed on her arse, and stared in wide-eyed terror before bolting for the safety of the living room. I think she just about wet herself, and was none too impressed with my tears of mirth.

"Sorry [gasp], Khal [snort]... that was [wheeze] just [Haaaaa!] too dang funny. Haaaaa-haaaaa-haaaaaa!"

"Shut up, woman."

"I'm sorry..."

"No you're not. Don't bother pretending."

"No, sweetie, I really am sorry. Come here, let me pet you..."

"Screw you."


Wendy said...

One of these days I need to do a post about a cat sitting incident in which the cat was playing in a paper bag (with handles), got startled and ran frantically around the apartment with the bag caught around his neck. It took me awhile to stop laughing hysterically in order to get the thing off him.

Unk M said...

OMG, Niece... THIS was so funny I really did almost "wet" myself! How you can make a coffee-maker the subject of an hilarious essay is truly a talent! Well, cats are funny too, and I can imagine your amusement at their reaction to the new kitchen "toy."